i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The Olympian is in my bed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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