if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
