This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
...so i touched it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
