my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize