Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize