I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize