Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
