This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
