I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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