it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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