i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
