The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
