I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
