Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
