new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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