i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
