I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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