6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
