No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
