My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
