just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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