Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
