SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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