Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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