How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
