But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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