I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
