maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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