Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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