People with herpes should wear stickers.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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