I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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