pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
