i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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