I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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