the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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