just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize