You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
