Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
