I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
