just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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