I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
