my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
