Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
