I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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