She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
