Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
