9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
