Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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