I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
