I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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