Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
