Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
