oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
