Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
