Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
