I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
