You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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