your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
