I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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