I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
