So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
organizing the empties. That sober.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
where are my eyebrows?
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