Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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