The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
